


thought you'd always be beside me (but now I walk alone)

by the9muses



Category: Firefly
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Juggling Baby Geese, My First Work in This Fandom, Y'all I'm really sorry about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28038162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the9muses/pseuds/the9muses
Summary: The crew visits a planet where they juggle baby geese.None of them understand why Zoë is so upset.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 8





	thought you'd always be beside me (but now I walk alone)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sanctuaria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanctuaria/gifts).



> This idea was handed to me on a silver platter by Sanctuaria, who wanted to torture me with angst after I finished Serenity. It worked, but it also got my creative juices flowing and so... here you go.

Emptiness is an odd feeling. It ain’t even a feeling, really, it’s the absence of one, a gaping hole in the fabric of the ‘verse, an empty spot where something used to be. And it ain’t an easy feeling either, it’s one that pulls at your edges until they fray and stabs you in the heart when you think about it too hard, one that makes you question everything you’ve known and loved.

Zoë Washburne is used to emptiness. It follows her everywhere, shrouding her in a hazy veil of grief and hardening her heart.

It does a lot of things.

It doesn’t bring Wash back. 

Nothing’s gonna bring Wash back, she knows this. But as Serenity drifts closer down to the planet beneath them, something in her mind is twisted enough to let her hope, for the first time in three months. The logical part of her, the reason she’s still alive today, knows death is forever. The part of her that’s almost gotten her killed far too many times to count, though? That part of her is dreaming ridiculous things. 

She knows the captain didn’t mean anything by it when he took the job on this planet, she knows that he couldn’t have heard that conversation she and Wash’d had months ago. 

He hadn’t meant to hurt her.

Hell, he’d probably meant to make her laugh. After all, a planet full of people juggling baby geese is funny. Even to a widow who watched her husband get stabbed through the chest with a harpoon, people juggling goslings is funny. (of course, Zoë doesn’t know _anything_ about that particular situation. Nope. Just pulling hypotheticals out of her brain.) 

Maybe to someone else, maybe to the rest of the crew, maybe to the rest of the ‘verse, maybe it’s funny.

Ain’t funny to Zoë. 

* * *

It’s a simple job. Drop off some cargo, get paid, get out. The captain says this twice, glancing in Zoë’s direction, making sure she’s absorbed the information. He does that a lot, nowadays, and she’s grateful, she really is. She hates it, though. All she needs is yet another reminder of everything that’s changed. 

True to what both Mal and Wash had told her, there are people juggling goslings everywhere. Standing outside of houses and bars and in the market, there’s a constant stream of flying goslings. Kaylee links arms with her, laughing and laughing at the baby geese being thrown up into the air over and over. 

“Aren’t they just so cute?” she asks Zoë. Zoë is too busy scanning the crowds for a person she ain’t gonna see to respond. “Zoë? You alright?” 

“I’m fine, Kaylee. Just a bit distracted,” Zoë tells her, looking at one of the men juggling the goslings and immediately looking away so that the tears welling in her eyes don’t spill over. 

“You sure?” 

“Let’s get this job done,” Zoë responds, forcing some semblance of the old Zoë into her voice. 

They walk to the dropoff point, and Zoë keeps her eyes straight ahead, refusing to look around her. There’s laughter everywhere, mingling with the chirps of baby geese and the voices of people going about their business. 

Looking straight ahead doesn’t help.

Instead, Zoë sees him out of the corner of her eyes every few seconds. She clenches her fists so tight it hurts and keeps looking forward, not even sparing a glance. Every inch of her is crying out, every part of her just wants to _turn around and look_. Her fingernails are digging into her palms and it _hurts_ but she barely notices because she _has to keep looking forward._

The captain is side-eyeing her, and she forces herself to look at him and smile. “How long’s it been since you saw a goose?” 

“Been a little while. Remember that time we had a whole shipment of ‘em?’ 

“I remember! Couldn’t get a moment’s rest, they were so loud,” Kaylee says cheerily and begins to chatter on about something or other. Zoë stops listening after the first few seconds. 

* * *

The dropoff goes easily, they get their money, and that’s supposed to be it. They’re supposed to take the money and go back to the ship and fly off and go somewhere else and do it all over again. They’re supposed to not have to spend another second on this planet.

Of course, nothing ever goes the way it’s supposed to when you get the crew of Serenity involved.

Just as they’re about to leave, Zoë hears a voice. It’s faint, barely there, but she would recognize it anywhere. She spins around, searching the crowded marketplace behind them, heart beating out of her chest. 

_Zoë_

Her breath comes faster and faster, and she can _hear_ him, clear as day, but she can’t see him. Why can't she _see_ him. 

_Zoë_

He's here, he's got to be, but he can't be, but she can hear him, and she knows he's not here, she knows that. 

"Zoë!" Mal interrupts her thoughts, startling her back down to the ground.

"What?" 

"I said your name _3 times,_ Zoë. What's going on?" 

"I heard him, sir. Clear as day. But it looks like I was just imaginin' things. I'm alright, let's— " 

"Zoë." 

"Yes?" 

"Maybe you should go talk to Simon." 

"I'm _fine._ " 

"Fine? It's only been four months. You should've told me there was somethin' wrong." 

"Nothing's wrong and besides, you need me. You can't just—" 

"You don't need to—" 

"I want to get off this planet." 

"We're continuing this conversation later—" 

"I ain't a child. So stop talking to me like I am one," Zoë snaps and stalks off in the general direction of Serenity. 

Lord, she needed a break. She's an adult, she's a mature adult, and she's acting like a child.

Acting like River, back when she was much less sane and more inclined to spout nonsense and throw fits at the slightest thing.

She'd never realized how much it was really Wash holding her together, and now he's gone and she's alone and everything seems to be falling apart. 

She makes her way back to Serenity and gets back on board, making her way through the ship and climbing down into her ~~and W~~ bunk.

Then, only then, does she let herself cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Just like pretty much all of my other fics, it got slightly less well written near the end. whoops XD
> 
> I only got into Firefly a few weeks ago, but I was hooked from the first episode and finished it pretty quickly. It's actually older than me, and I haven't really been doing much in the fandom, so I've got no idea what kinds of fic you guys like to read/write :)  
> I hope you enjoyed! Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! This is, again, my first venture into this fandom and I have absolutely no idea whether I got it right.


End file.
